Thixophobia
by Razzaroo
Summary: Thixophobia: fear of being touched. "Lovino hated that he was getting married." De-anon from the kink meme.


**A/N. Another de-anon from the kink meme. I never actually wanted to post this but thought, "What the Hell?" so, yeah. Anyway, the only things i have of Hetalia are books and DVDs. Nothing more.**

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><p>Lovino hates the fact that he's getting married. It's wrong; people should be happy on their wedding day. Not Lovino; he doesn't really like the man his grandfather is making him marry. Antonio is sweet and way too happy-go-lucky. He seems way too pleased to be marrying Lovino.<p>

He doesn't allow himself to cry; no matter how much he wants to, when Antonio slides the ring on. No matter how much he dislikes him, he's not going to ruin this for Antonio. Not when the other man looks so fucking happy.

It's afterwards that his heart really breaks, when Antonio beams at him and says he hopes he can make Lovino happy, simply because Lovino makes _him _happy. Lovino knows that won't happen; he can't be happy married to someone he doesn't even like all that much.

Antonio would be better off with someone else.

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><p>Their first night together is the worst. Antonio tries, he really does, but Lovino can't take it. He bursts into tears in the middle of foreplay and Antonio backs off quickly, apologising, asking what he did wrong. Lovino shakes his head; he just wants his first time to be <em>special <em>and it doesn't feel that way, not with someone he doesn't love.

Antonio settles for kissing and cuddling him, trying to get him to stop crying. It doesn't work and Antonio moves away, practically in tears himself, trying to work out what _he _had done wrong; clearly, the break-up of his first marriage had given him some esteem issues.

Eventually, Antonio goes downstairs to sleep on the settee, leaving a still-crying Lovino curled up in bed on his own, wishing to be with his brother.

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><p>Antonio seems to have forgotten about that disastrous wedding night in the morning; more likely he's just pushed it to the back of his mind.<p>

Lovino goes downstairs to the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen. He can hear Antonio humming happily and it feels almost normal; was this what marriage was meant to sound like? He goes into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes against the light and trying to make his hair look presentable.

"Lovino!" he is greeted by a chirpy Antonio. A chirpy Spaniard wearing a flower-patterned apron.

Antonio crosses the kitchen in about a second and sweeps Lovino up into his arms. Lovino stiffens at the hated contact and tries not to shove Antonio away when the Spaniard starts pressing kisses all over his face and neck.

"Whatever I did wrong last night, I'm sorry," says Antonio, still holding Lovino close, "We don't have to try it again! I'm happy just to do this sort of thing."

Lovino wants to say that he is most definitely _not _happy.

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><p>It's at times like this that Lovino is jealous of his little brother; Feliciano is happily living with a man of his own choosing, not with someone that their grandfather picked out for them. Lovino wants what his brother has, not this sham of a marriage that Antonio is trying to hold together.<p>

Of course, the bastard couldn't even keep his first marriage together; what makes him think this one will be any different? Did he think he could learn from any mistakes he made last time around?

Maybe Antonio just doesn't want to accept that this is falling apart after only a few months? He wants happiness and he thinks Lovino can give him that.

Too bad Lovino doesn't want to make Antonio happy. He wants nothing to do with Antonio.

He lies nestled in Antonio's arms, not even bothering to get worked up over it any more. If he tries to get away then poor, oblivious Antonio just holds on tighter. It's almost as if he thinks that this whole thing will work if he just hangs on. ...

Honestly, Lovino hates public displays of affection. Whenever Feliciano tries to be all lovey-dovey with him in public, he shoves him off and shouts at him, if only because he knows that Feliciano will forgive him.

However, when Antonio grabs his hand and pulls him close, he doesn't do anything. He just scowls and refuses to look at the other man, even as Antonio chatters away. He puts as much space between the pair of them as possible, not caring when Antonio's chatter dies down.

Lovino knows he's hurt the other man. He knows that each time he puts distance between them, when he doesn't answer Antonio's questions, when he turns away from him in bed, he shatters Antonio's world just that little bit more.

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><p>"You don't want me, do you?" says Antonio one day.<p>

Lovino stops washing the dishes and tries to ignore the Spaniard.

"I mean, it's OK if you don't; if you're not happy, I can go," says Antonio, sounding like he's about to cry, "I'll try to find out what I'm doing wrong and...well, third time lucky, right?"

"Look, tomato bastard," says Lovino, "If you think that we just need time apart, then fine. I've never been married before, so I have no clue where to start. You know what's best; you decide."

"Really?" Antonio sounds better, "You wouldn't mind?"

Lovino snorts, "No. It would do both of us good to be apart for a while."

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><p>Life without Antonio is incredibly quiet and...strangely lonely. Lovino goes to work all day and then comes home to an empty house; no smiling Spaniard opening the door for him, no cuddles, no kisses, no Antonio clinging to him like a lost toddler.<p>

Lovino had expected to be happy to be rid of Antonio for a couple of weeks but he feels terrible. He wants someone to fill the house with noise. He wants someone there to greet him when he gets home. He wants the reassuring warmth of someone else sleeping next to him.

So, instead of going home, he works later hours and goes to the bar afterwards. There's a pretty girl there who he knows from work and he likes to talk to her and they drink together.

He and Bella have always gotten along well.

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><p>Later, Lovino and Bella are at his house, in his bed. Her arms are around his neck and she's making breathy little noises as he grinds his hips against hers. Neither of them have given any thought to any protection; this was a drunken moment and it feels so damn <em>good<em>that Lovino just doesn't care. Not about his grandfather, about how tired he is, about Antonio.

Antonio...

But he pushes the thoughts of his husband away as he pushes into the woman in his arms. She sucks on his neck, no doubt leaving incriminating marks.

He doesn't want to think of Antonio while he does this but he can't ignore the flash of guilt he feels.

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><p>If there is one thing that Lovino never really expected in his life, it was to wake up in bed next to a pretty woman after a night of, quite frankly, amazing sex. Especially if that act of a night of amazing sex also meant that Romano had cheated on his husband.<p>

Fucking Hell, Antonio. He's been on Lovino's mind constantly over his absence and Lovino can't help but imagine how the Spaniard would react if Lovino told him what he had done; the smile would vanish, his eyes would probably tear up and there would be the inevitable question: _"Why?"_

Lovino presses his face into Bella's blonde hair; he will have to tell Antonio. Nothing stayed hidden for long.

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><p>Lovino decides that he's going to give this marriage a fair chance; it's the least he can do after fucking <em>cheating<em> on Antonio. If his efforts manage to make it work, then maybe he'd feel less guilty about what he's done.

Feliciano is watching him, chewing his lip slightly. Lovino's just told his brother everything, trying to get some advice on what he should do.

"Ve, you should tell Antonio what you did wrong, Lovi," Feliciano finally says, "He'd forgive you and then you guys can start again. That's what I would do."

What Feliciano is forgetting, however, is the fact that Lovino is not Feliciano; he's not as forgivable. Feliciano can do a sad little lip quiver and, even if he was Hitler, people would be falling over themselves to forgive him. No such luck for Lovino; no one's ever forgiven him for anything in his life.

"Try it, Lovi," says Feliciano, "Antonio really likes you; sure, he might be angry for a bit but he'd forgive you sooner or later and then you can live happily ever after!"

Keep dreaming, Feliciano, keep dreaming.

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><p>The moment Antonio comes through the door, he throws his arms around Lovino and hugs him close. Lovino manages to hug him back and even nuzzles him, drawing a surprised chuckle form Antonio.<p>

"I missed you, Lovi," says Antonio quietly, burying his face in Lovino's neck.

Lovino's missed Antonio as well. Not that he will ever admit it.

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><p>That evening, they're in bed together. Lovino seems to be trying to wrap himself completely around Antonio, gritting his teeth; it hurts slightly and it feels weird but Antonio is being as gentle as he can. As far as Antonio's concerned, this is Lovino's first time; he doesn't want to hurt him, or make him cry, like on that first night together.<p>

Although this is Lovino's second time actually having _sex_, it's his first experience of _'making love.'_

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><p>Lovino wakes up the next morning in Antonio's arms, feeling very comfortable cuddling up to him like this. It might be a good thing that he wants to try this out, if he gets to feel like this in the morning; safe, warm and loved.<p>

And then he remembers that one night with Bella and he can't help but think, _'You betrayed him and then had sex with him? Fucking God, Lovino, keep it in your pants!'_

He is surprised when Antonio pulls him even closer; he'd thought the other man was still asleep.

"I didn't hurt you, did I, Lovi?" he asks.

Lovino shakes his head; it had hurt but not as much as he thought it would, "I'm fine."

Antonio hugs him tight and smiles. Lovino clears his throat slightly; he shouldn't be doing this, not now. But he wouldn't be able to do it later.

"Antonio," he says, "There's something I need to tell you."

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><p>Antonio isn't looking at Lovino, he's not speaking; he's only concentrating on the road, tears falling almost continuously. At one point, out of habit no doubt, he reaches out, as if to grab hold of Lovino's hand but quickly pulls away when he realises what he's doing.<p>

Lovino feels almost hurt by the action; he wants to apologise to Antonio over and over again.

Although, he can't blame Antonio for how he's feeling; he most likely feels used. Thinking about it, Lovino can almost understand how that would happen; the man he loves (God, he actually _loves _Lovino) admitted to sleeping with someone else and also said that he never loved Antonio back.

His expression had been just as heartbroken as Lovino expected.

Lovino is trying to zone out so he doesn't have to notice Antonio's sobbing. It's only when Antonio grabs his hand and swerves the car to the side that he notices the other car coming towards them. He hears the sound of metal colliding with metal, the crunch of breaking glass and he bows his head to protect his face from any falling glass.

It was only when he looked up that he realised that Antonio wasn't clinging to his hand for dear life; in fact, the other man seems to be unconscious.

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><p>Lovino wants to scream, he really does. Antonio isn't moving; why isn't he moving? His breathing starts coming in short gasps as he unclips his seatbelt and leans closer to Antonio, prodding him in an attempt to get a response.<p>

"Antonio, wake up!" he shouts, bordering on hysterical. Antonio's fine, he has to be fine, Lovino wouldn't let him be anything but fine.

There's blood leaking from an injury on Antonio's temple, matting his hair down. The side of the car has crumpled inwards and it looks like one of Antonio's legs is trapped between the crumpled door and the seat.

With a sob, Lovino wraps his arms around Antonio's torso and hugs him tightly, pressing his head against the other man's chest; this was his fault. He shouldn't have said anything; if he hadn't, then Antonio wouldn't have wanted to go to Francis for advice and they wouldn't have been driving and _it's all his fault!_

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><p>A hand on his shoulder startles him from his daze and he whips round to come face to face with a paramedic. Funny, he didn't even hear them approach.<p>

"Come on, lad," says the paramedic, "You both need treatment. Let's get you to a hospital."

He's speaking slowly and quietly, the same way someone would speak to a frightened animal to calm it down. Lovino buries his tear-stained face in Antonio's shirt and refuses to move away.

"He'll be going to hospital as well," says the paramedic, "We won't separate you."

Lovino shakes his head, ignoring the throb of a headache building behind his eyes. He wasn't letting go of Antonio ever again.

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><p>Lovino holds onto Antonio's hand the whole way to the hospital. He refuses to look at Antonio's broken leg, still believing this whole mess to be his fault.<p>

He's trying to keep out of the way of the paramedic tending to Antonio, he really is. But he wants to hold onto the other man tightly and not let go but he's sure that they'll most likely be separated at the hospital.

The paramedic keeps a comforting hand on Lovino's shoulder as much as he can but his focus is mainly on Antonio, much like Lovino's.

Antonio still hasn't stirred.

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><p>The nurse guides Lovino through the corridors of the hospital, keeping one hand on his elbow. There's patch on his forehead, over a deep cut he didn't even know he had. He only cares about seeing Antonio, making sure he's all right.<p>

The pair of them stop in front of the door to a private room and the nurse rests a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, "I'm sure he'll be alright."

Lovino nods and swallows; he still can't shake the feeling that it is all his fault. If he hadn't told Antonio...no, if he hadn't slept with Bella, then none of this would have happened.

"He's going to seem very tired," says the nurse, "Take it easy with him and yourself, all right?"

Lovino nods again, thanks her and then pushes the door open.

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><p>Antonio is very groggy when Lovino sits down alongside him. His leg is bound up in a thick plaster cast; his cuts have been cleaned and patched up. Lovino isn't even sure if the other man knows he's there.<p>

He slips his hands through the railing by the bed, holding onto Antonio's. He runs his thumb over Antonio's knuckles, his touch feather-light. Antonio groans and his eyes flicker open completely, focussing on Lovino.

"Lovi," he says weakly, a frown creasing his forehead, "You're hurt."

"So are you, idiot," says Lovino, squeezing Antonio's fingers, "I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry."

Antonio's frown deepened, "Why are you apologising? Nothing's your fault."

Oh, God, Lovino wishes he was that forgiving.

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><p>"You're not angry at me, are you?" asks Lovino, looking down at the floor.<p>

"Ah, not exactly," replies Antonio, "I've had some time to think. I don't like what you did; really don't like what you did. But I can understand it now; you weren't happy. You said it was a stupid mistake and I believe you. Think we can start again?"

It's at that moment that Lovino realises that yes, he_ (probably, might be, maybe) _is in love with this man.


End file.
